So I decided to bring in a guest blogger for this particular time. Now, you probably will recognize who he is by his writing, because there’s a good chance I’ve sent you a link to his site before. If he doesn’t sound familiar then just enjoy it anyways. As a disclaimer, some of the guest bloggers views don’t necessarily reflect my personal views! This guy is funny, sarcastic, and blatantly honest. So enjoy….

************

Hello, my name is Jung Bong. I am a Korean immigrant who attended high school in Ann Arbor, where all the hippies taught me how to read and write English good. My foster parents, Big Asshole Guy and Ugly White Bitch, tried to get me to love Michigan and hate Ohio State. I hated Big Asshole Guy and Ugly White Bitch. They never cooked rice the right way, so I had to go to Panda Express in the Michigan Union for authentic Chinese cuisine. I moved to Ohio to spite my foster parents. Those sterile homos. They were unable to produce children on their own. What kind of stupid unevolved woman cannot form eggs in her body? Anyway, I live in Cleveland now, where Ohio State football is bigger than Cleveland Browns football for some strange reason. I don’t understand it. The Browns seemed like a very highly talented team during that one game I saw them play in Detroit against the Lions.

In Ohio, the people are not hippies. They do not smoke marijuana as much, and there are not as many Birkenstock-wearing women licking each other on the tongues in public. The Ohioans are slightly fatter, believe it or not, than Michiganders. There are many White Castles here, but not as many Starbucks – I can only find one for each street corner now. Ohio people seem to have more red color on their necks and speak less intelligently than the people I knew in Ann Arbor. They play a game that was seemingly designed for mentally retarded children, where they throw bean bags through wooden toilet-hole-like things. Big Asshole Guy and Ugly White Bitch mail me lots of letters, but I just tape them together to make big blankets to give to homeless people. I was once homeless in Shanghai. No one gave me letter blankets.

Now it is the week when people in Ann Arbor and in Cleveland constantly refer to “The Game”. I was never a big football fan (again, to spite my foster parents), but even I could understand the magnitude of it. I went to Cornell for college, so I still believe the epic Cornell 2, Columbia 0 game of 2002 was the biggest game of all-time, but Michigan-Ohio State is still pretty big. This year, Michigan is #2 and Ohio State is #1, so “The Game” is as big as my Brazilian friend Tiago’s penis. I decided to read about the players and coaches involved so that I am not ignorant about sports like how all non-Asians are ignorant about math and cello. I also ventured to the city of Columbus for the weekend to get a feel of what the atmosphere really is like.

On Thursday night, all the people with red color on their necks jumped into a lake in Columbus while chanting “O-H!” and “I-O!”. I did not understand this. The water must have been no warmer than 40 degrees. These people in Columbus appear not only to be fat like those in Cleveland, but also amazingly stupid. They take pride in spelling the four-letter name of their state and they jump in cold water with no clothes on. Why? To have more attractive nipple structures? Speaking of nipples, the Ohio State girls were quite impressive to look at. I wonder how they avoid all the White Castles and Taco Bells when they occur every two miles or so in the city. They had nice white skin and young perky features. They were much better than the girls in Ann Arbor, which is possibly an instance of inverse correlation between intelligence and desire of men to have access to their lotus flowers.

Everyone in Columbus wears scarlet red except for me. It is okay, though, because I wear a carnelian red Cornell sweatshirt, and these idiots cannot tell the difference between scarlet and carnelian. There is a bar here that is much like Necto’s in Ann Arbor, except it is actually a nice place to be. I went there after I went to the lake. It is called Spice, and it is a very luxurious dance club. However, the bouncer did not allow me to enter for some reason. I did not know why. Confused and sad, I moped away in my Cornell sweatshirt and pajama pants. I went next door to a less accommodating place for a Korean like me, a bar called Gaswerks. I do not know what a gaswerks is, but it looked fun, and they let me in. It is more like Rick’s in Ann Arbor, except even dirtier. Many people were wearing Ohio State football jerseys. Many girls did not talk to me. I was the only person with slanted eyes at Gaswerks. I went home after an hour of ordering Mojitos on Big Asshole Guy and Ugly White Bitch’s credit card.

All that was left to do in preparation for the game was to learn about the teams and then steal a ticket from a drunk sorority girl. After much internet surfing, and after punching a short Tri-Delt in the face and taking her ticket, I learned the following:

1. Ohio State has a black man who is good at multi-tasking, so he reminds me a lot of myself. Troy Smith can both run and throw equally well, and he has given Michigan many problems in the past. However, Michigan has a new defensive coordinator who has greatly improved the Michigan defense this year. I expect that he will not attack Troy Smith too much because he is a fellow black man and they must stick together in this Republican/Nazi-led country.

2. Michigan has a running back who can “eat clock” apparently. I do not know how someone can be good at eating clocks, but Mike Hart can allegedly do it, and it is supposed to be very beneficial to Michigan. They are the less talented team, and people expect them to lose by about 7 points, so they will have to eat a lot of clocks to make the game closer. Again, I do not understand how this concept works (football is not as simple as multi-variable calculus for me), but Mike Hart is the master of eating clocks.

3. Both teams have speedy black men at wide receiver. This is no surprise, as black men generally have more fast-twitch muscle fibers than other people, but Ted Ginn, Anthony Gonzalez, Mario Manningham, and Steve Breaston are supposedly even faster than your average black man running with stolen electronics in his hand. What is puzzling to me is that Anthony Gonzalez does not sound like a black name, but he is extremely fast, so he must be black. Breaston has underachieved throughout his career, but he has one last game to channel the talent he displayed against Texas two years ago, when he had over 300 all-purpose yards. Manningham might be the best route-runner of any wide receiver since Marvin Harrison. Ted Ginn is the fastest man I have ever heard of. He is the one everyone fears. He is the one who makes defenses clear a path for Antonio Pittman. An interesting fact is that Ginn is not even Ohio State’s best receiver.

4. Ohio State’s defense has 21 interceptions on the year. 21?! That is almost 2 each game. If I was an Ohio State fan, I would be afraid because of this statistic. What happens if Ohio State doesn’t force 2 interceptions in The Game, as they normally do in other games? What happens if the turnovers are equal? Do they still dominate everyone like they have all year? I would be very worried about this in Columbus, because the great eater of clocks, Mike Hart, does not fumble, and Michigan’s quarterback does not throw many interceptions. Chad Henne has made people in Ann Arbor less angry about John Navarre, but he has not made them forget about Tom Brady or Drew Henson. Tom Brady and Drew Henson beat Ohio State. Chad Henne does not beat Ohio State, but he has at least one more chance.

5. Bo Schembechler has died. Now there will be even more emotion attached to The Game, if that is at all possible. You know, I am actually starting to become excited about attending this game with that ticket I stole from that sorority slut. Imagining Michigan storm the Horseshoe, in the most hostile of atmospheres, with “Win one for Bo!” ringing in their ears, against the best team in the country, playing for a national championship, with all the pieces in place to actually pull off the upset… it all caused me to have a great embarrassment in this library I am typing in. Do you know how hard it is to walk around in a library with a full-blown erection and wet spots around the point? And what about Ohio State? Running onto their home field with over 100,000 fans in scarlet red (and one in carnelian red) chanting something like “O-H!” or “I-O!” or “aaaaahalalalyyyyaaaa” while drunken to the point of black-out-ness, playing as the team of destiny, with their only true rivals trying to take away what has been assumed to be theirs since the beginning of the season… it all caused me to have another great embarrassment in the library.

This is the game that has caused me, Jung Bong, to become a football fan. I will watch as my multi-tasking mirror image, Troy Smith, dissects the Michigan secondary, which is very weak beyond Leon Hall. I will watch as the eater of clocks runs through a mediocre Ohio State run defense, led by only one good linebacker – the Butkus award favorite, James Laurinitis. At first, I did not believe this man really existed, because I thought it was just some man named James who had a swollen Laurin. Sometimes I make mistakes and they are unintentionally funny. Anyway, I will watch as those four great wide receivers try to answer each game-breaking play with one of their own. I will watch as the man in the nerdy Ohio State sweater vest tries to beat the ogre-like man in the Michigan sweatshirt for the fourth time in five tries.

Jung Bong’s Prediction: Chad Henne to Adrian Arrington, 43-yard “Hail Bo” pass as time expires, Michigan 27, Ohio State 24. Ohio State then wins the BCS Championship game.

********

I am going to disagree, and say that OSU will be the victors here. At least I really hope they are. Either way, Florida moves up this week!

I can’t wait to see this game!

Bill you were wrong about your guess on the guest blog, and I’d say nice try, but you weren’t even kinda close. As of recently, Mr. Paul Dittmer mentioned to me that he might be interested in blogging. Yes, I said Paulie. Isn’t that a shocker?! So in light of me putting together a blog for him, I asked him to do a guest spot on mine to let you all know that he will be having a blog soon, so we will begin working on that very soon. Anyways, I’ve known Paulie for a long ass time it seems like, and I must admit he’s probably the quietest person I’ve ever met, but that doesn’t mean there’s no thought process. One way or another, those thoughts have to come out! So here’s a few of them…

****************************

What up y’all,yeah i still have a little “country” in me, its your boy P Ditty(can’t stop,won’t stop) coming at you for the first time. Hope its everything you dreamed of and more. When John mentioned blogging to me a couple weeks ago I’ll admit I was dead set against it, but then i started thinking what better way for a quiet, reserved guy like myself to express shit that was on his mind. So i hit him up the other day and asked him to set one up for me. While he does that I thought I’d be a nice guy and take over his for a day.

I’ll admit it was a little harder than I thought to come up with topic that would introduce me to the blogging community. With a name like P Ditty, Dirty P and even Paulie for that matter i know I have big shoes to fill. If your wondering about all the nicknames check out my site when its up and running( a little shameless self promotion never hurts). So I decided to go with a little “let me be the first to say” which will showcase the kind of topic diversity I’d like to write about.

First off for those of you don’t know me i recently joined the “cool” crowd and started smokin, so I’ll also be the first one to complain about those fuckin TRUTH ads that you see on tv and hear on the radio. Since when is it the tobacco company’s fault that I chose to smoke. If I wanna die of cancer or some other disease I’m sure they’ll link to smokin in year two. Kinda like the government telling a female she has no right to chose. They’re just trying to make money like the rest of us.

How bout them Tigers! After the last what decade or so i don’t think anyone would’ve dreamt of saying those words. And they haven’t. Outside of Michigan they get no love. For those of you wondering how can he be “the first to say” when he is in MI. I’m not originally from here I’m actually from a little state South of Montana and North of Colorado, also known as Wyoming. Sorry for being an ass like that but you’d be surprised how many people are like where’s that. So lets toast the team with the best record in the majors.

I know its not much but that’s all the firsts you get from me today. I can’t give you the full Monty with out teasing you first. If your interested check back in a few when I officially have a spot i can call my own. Thanks to John for the site and guest spot. Holla at your boy Paul. Peace

**************

Wooorrdd! Those damn cancer sticks will kill you. And for an extra brief response to that, how in the hell can cigarettes me legal? They’re known killers. I guess that’s just weird to me. Imagine how this country would be inf they all of a sudden banned cigs?! Haha, I can’t imagine, people would be on crackhead status for cigs, and you know exactly what I’m talking about…………….think Chappelle.
Anyways that’s just a little taste of Mr. Dittmer’s writing style, so I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to reading his blog when it’s done. I would like to thank Paulie D for putting down some text for me……….and making me late for fucking work this morning!
peace

Ok I gotta cut myself off because I could def. make a full blog about my thoughts on that. I decided to have Tran hook it up with a guest blog this time, for one, cause he’s cool as hell and blogs and express thought, and for two, because it was def. time for another guest blog, I like these! I’ve known Tran since my freshman year, back when we kicked it rather strong in Emmons hall. I basically lived there. So yeah…..read away……..more…..

****************

If there are images in this attachment, they will not be displayed. Download the original attachment

First and for most let me thank my boy John for letting me tattoo his page with a blog entry of my own. I’ve been debating whether or not I should be funny with this blog or if I should actually say something meaningful. Since I’m writing the guest blog I feel the need to make this one good. On my blog I could care less if I have a sub par entry, since I know I’ll be writing another one on it in a few days. It’s kinda like when you’ve been dating a girl for a while. Obviously you’ve been hittin it on a regular basis and its not a big deal if you’re a two pump chump every now and then, cause you know you’re gonna get another chance to redeem yourself. But if you pick up a girl at the bar and you end up back at her place, you better make sure you lay the stamp on that ass cause you might not get another shot. So we’re gonna make this one count.

Anyways, I know most of ya’ll reading this probably haven’t met me so I figured I’d fill ya in on some details followed up by how I’m spending my time nowadays. Basically all you need to know about me as that I’m bad ass Asian motherfucker and if you see me you better recognize. Jus playin. Seriously though I’m a real laid back cat, anyone that knows me will tell you the same. You can basically count me in for whatever cause I’m always down to have a good time. I love kickin it with my people and I’ve been known to consume a beverage or ten. My friends are like my second family, and if you’ve got my back you know I’ve got yours. I am a proud MSU graduate and nowadays I’m just workin my way up the corporate ladde

Now that ya’ll got some background info on me, lets take a look at what a typical day looks like for me. My days are pretty structured and for the most part they run like clockwork, but I figured ya’ll should at least get an idea of what goes through my head on day to day basis.

6:30 AM – Alarm goes off: “I got 5 minutes” I hit the snooze.

7:00 AM – Alarm goes off again: “Damnit, I’m late. I should call in sick” But I never do. “Does this tie match with my shirt? Fuck it I gotta get goin”

7:45 AM – Sittin at my desk: “I really don’t wanna be here, why didn’t I call in” Basically for the first hour that I’m at work I just look at my computer screen, but it looks like I’m working. Kinda like Office Space.

9:00 AM – Meeting with management: Basically all that happens here is my manager says to me “Brian, what is your forecast for this month” Or in other words, how much money are you gonna bring in. After nine months on the job I don’t think I’ve ever answered this question honestly. Cause the truth is that I’m just as likely to put in $40,000 in a month as I am to put in 0, I just don’t know for sure what will come in and what will get pushed back. But they ain’t tryin to hear that. So what do I say? “I think I can hit 20K this month” I’ve been sayin that shit 9 months.

9:30 AM – Calling my clients: This is hit or miss here. 20% of my clients are really cool. They’re nice on the phone and they buy when they say they will. 50% of them are absolute ass holes. These guys are the ones that never call me back. These are the guys that basically shit on me until they need me to do them a favor. But since I got a quota to hit, I usually do it for them. But those fuckers pay full price, no discounts for you playa. The rest of my clients are absolute dip shits, they’re nice and all but I have to hold their hand through every little thing. I actually had to teach a guy how to use his own fax machine. Regardless of whoever I’m dealing with I always say “Thanks a lot whoever, it was a pleasure speaking to you. Give me a call if there is anything else I can do” I’m so full of shit.

4:45 PM Exactly – Office closes: And I am out the door with the quickness.

5:15 PM – Arrive at the gym: There is this fine girl that works at my gym and I just can’t work up the nerve to make a move on her. This is how it goes everyday, “Hi Brian” “Hi Amber” “I like your tie” “Thanks” What I wish I could say is “Well I like everything about you girl. What do you say we go out and get married sometime?” But I never do and probably never will. So instead I just lift my weights and try to flex a little whenever I see her walking around. I’m such a bitch.

7:00 PM – Home sweet home: As usual its been a long as day. A quick shower and I bite to eat and then its back to the grind again.

That’s basically it, the life of a MSU graduate. Working and payin bills. I wish there was more to it then that but what can I say. Well I know this bad boy is really long so I’m gonna let ya’ll go. I hope ya’ll enjoyed it and thanks for tuning in. Take care peoples and holla at your boy.

***************

Word. Good lookin on the blog Tran! Your schedule sounds all too familiar, except obviously I do different work. Fuck this adult stuff…..

Its the weekend time/lazy time……..I like that! Its also gettin closer to break, and I can’t wait to go home and not pay for food and bills for two weeks. It will be lovely. I have no idea what I wanna do for my bday while i’m up here, so im more that willing to take suggestions?!

peace